I wish I could be one of those people that smiles everyday no matter what is happening in their lives. I spend every day trying to force myself to be happy, and for the most part I pull it off well. But the truth is that I am mad, and sad, and most of the time I feel very alone. I have lost so much thanks to these diseases, my career, my health, my looks, most of my friends, and my sanity. Its getting to the point that the anger is turning into depression. Sometimes I do not even recognize myself (Inside or out). Before I became sick I was hardly ever upset by small things. I didn't mind standing in line at stores (I usually let people cut) or driving in traffic. I never sweated the small stuff and I could always find fun no matter where I was. I really liked the woman I had become. Now I can hardly get out of bed, I have gained 60 pounds, I have a rash all over me, Swelling in every joint, bald spots, my scalp is covered with flakes, and thanks to the Ankylosing Spondylitis I cant stand up straight and I walk like I just rode King Kong's horse, and so much more. I also beat myself up every day because I cant be the Mother, sister, and friend that I want to be. And to top all that off, I went from making 50,000 a year to living on SSD bringing in $1500 a month. I can barely afford the rent much less anything extra that my kids might need. I was so proud of what I had accomplished and I was so excited about my future. Then it was all ripped away and replaced with chronic pain and sickness all day everyday. So, with all that being said, I cant help but feel angry and depressed. So I decided that my kids and I needed to start going to a counselor, to help deal with some of the emotional pain that this disease has caused in our lives. He has been amazing and he has really helped me to see that I am not crazy and it is normal for a person that has been through all that I have to have some level of anger and depression.
I now realize is that I am going through the 5 stages of grief. I know that most people think that grieving is only for when you lose a loved one through death but the 5 steps can also help us in many parts of our lives.
The 5 steps of grief are:
1) Denial and Isolation.
2) Anger.
3) Bargaining.
4) Depression.
5) Acceptance.
Realizing where you are in these steps can help you to see where you are in your emotional healing, and where you want to be. I can think of many times that these stages apply to my life like deaths of loved ones, my divorces, and mostly these diseases. Right now I am flipping back and forth through 1 and 2. Sometimes I still feel like it may be all in my head and then I see the swelling and rashes and the anger sets in. I do not know how long it is going to take to get to number 5 but I am happy that I have a goal to get to now. So to all of you that are going through any kind of loss just remember that you are not alone. If you have the oprotunity to talk to a counselor, take it. They are there to help you. You just have to open your heart and let them do what they do. Gentle hugs and many prayers to everyone. -Kimmy
I am glad you are being able to not only talk to someone, but getting to a place to look at what you are going through and dealing with it on the emotional side of stuff. Stress and emotions play such havoc on our bodies already. Add sickness to it and its ridiculous! I can only try to relate to what you are going through by comparing it to other situations I have had in my life. In all situations though I know that looking at each step and bringing God into it will help bring healing and peace. I pray through this journey, even though hard that God starts to bring happiness and peace...and above all healing for your body, heart, and mind.
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